mandrin06's Xanga

Looking through the glass

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 23:56:18 GMT

It's been a few months from the last time I posted...I used to post on here all the time and then I actually forgot about my account for a while! Cierra got me back on track though... :)

These past few months have been such a change!! for so long I truly felt like I was outside of my body just watching my life pass me by and not actually living. I realized last night that I have the most amazing friends! Really I've known it all along and I keep saying it over and over again, but it's so true! Plus everytime I think or say it I smile...so it's worth saying it from time to time! By the way...Jeramy, you are honestly probably one of the strongest people I know!! This is so cliche...but I got mad because I care for you so much and as Jamie and Aaron said, you are better than that!! You are becoming a lot like Logan Todd... which is honestly really hard to do!! Any woman would be blessed to have you... just hang in there, because she'll come and knock your socks off!! :)

I move back into the dorm tomorrow morning and I am going to miss all of you much!! I would love to honestly move to Carson-Newman or to UT...but God keeps telling me to hang in there and that Maryville is where He wants me to be!! I am listening and obeying. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't hard though. But... I am headin out to Ben's for the hot tub...woot!! I love you all so much!!

it's okay

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 04:31:48 GMT

I just wanted to say that it's okay... that I do still love you... and that I will always love you!!

Maybe this will help all of you...

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 21:23:38 GMT

This is from the book "datable" by justin lookadoo... listen and learn my friends!!

So guys, help! We are responsible here. Think about what you're saying. You really know that it won't last, so don't pretend. what you are doing is emotional abuse. Don't manipulate a girl by purposely saying things thats she will misunderstand. Guys, you know that a girl who is crushing on you is going to hang on every word you say. She is going to build a fantasy romance, leaving her vulnerable and willing to do whatever she can to make it work with you. So you take the pureness inside of her, expose it, twist it, and force yourself between her imagination and her dreams. Then you rip it out, use it, destroy it, and leave her to pick up the shattered pieces. All the while, you knew you didn't believe all the stuff you said. You just said it.
STOP! Don't tell her you love her. Don't tell her you want to be with her forever. It's not cool, even if that's what you think right now. Because you're abusing her emotionally if you do. As men, we have been given a responsibility. Take it and be a man.
The guy is in charge of the relationship. You can't let it get blown out of proportion into this "forever-and-ever" thing. Be careful with her heart. Protect it like a mighty warrior. Don't let anyone damage it, not even you. You are the protector.
Some guys who are reading this are saying, "That's not me! I think it's gonna last because I love her. The way I feel is amazing. She is the one." Okay, I'll give you that. You do feel like it will last forever, so let's talk about that feeling. You can't eat, you can't sleep, you get butterflies in her presence, your palms sweat. You feel like a total dork and it feels great. Newsflash for you: This isn't love. It's somebody besides your mom thinking you're cool. And it's an amazing feeling. Don't get me wrong, I dig it just as much as you do. But don't confuse the feeling with love. Love doesn't feel all mushy. Love isn't sweaty palms and sleepless nights. Love is a decision you make to care for someone no matter how you feel. If they are disfigured in an accident or throwing up for hours on end, you will still love them.
This is way important to understand because I want you to cherish your relationship for what it is-- an amazing sign that you are accepted. Your relationship means you are special. You know that because someone who doesn't have to care about you does. Let's not bash that. It's part of what gives you confidence and makes life exciting. But it isn't love. Have fun knowing you are lovable. Enjoy the acceptance of a non-family member, but remember, it's not love yet.
it's just a great feeling that you can enjoy for now.
The question becomes: Will it ever last? Yes! Don't worry. You will find someone that God has designed for you. You will find that soul connection you desire. Right now we're just talking about your teen dating years. The rules totally change lateron in life when marriage stuff comes into play. But until then, remember that it will not last.
I hope you can see that by believing the truth "It will not last" you are not being exiled to a wasteland of the unDatable. Actually, it frees you to experience unimaginable excitement and control and sets you on track to being intensely Datable.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 15:18:22 GMT

I can't believe I let it get that far!! I can't believe I let God become second for so long...and as a consequence it was taken from me! I can't believe it took me so long to realize that that's another reason I am alone! I want to fix it...I want to make God first more than anything...I want Him to be my first love! I want to make it right not because I want it back...but because I love God with everything I have in me...and I have faith enough that after my tests are over...I can win him back. I have faith...is that stupid... should I just let go? Oh, letting go is like stabbing a hole in my heart over and over again until all you see is one big hole! letting go and giving up means giving up on my hopes and dreams and future. I don't know if I am strong enough to not love him... how do you just give up on something you have so much faith in! Don't ask how I have so much faith... there is nothing giving me a reason except God...At least I think its God...but what if its just me...how do you differenciate between the two? How do you just give up on love?

just missing the life i had

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 02:14:57 GMT

"When You Come Back Down"

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire

And I'll be on the other end, To hear you when you call
Angel, you were born to fly, If you get too high
I'll catch you when you fall
I'll catch you when you fall

Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel, let me help you with your wings

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare

I'll still be there
When you come back down
Take every chance you dare,
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 01:59:42 GMT

I was on my way to work this morning when all of the sudden I hear this really loud clanking noise! needless to say I freaked out and called my mom... only to realize that the tread on my tire popped up and was making the noise! So I got my tire changed by a friend that works at ellis auto... and he decided to change my breaks later on this week for free! thank you jesus is all I have to say... and I guess thank you Kevin for doing the work! Lol... but anyways... I have been working so much... tomorrow will be my 6th day in a row! It's getting to the point where working that much doesn't phase me anymore because I am so used to it! I was talknig my dad and he trumped me with 16 days in a row... he is a machine, I am convinced! :p But life is going... not necessarily all good... but hey, who cares! I am loving work... actually! it's crazy I know! But, the people are great and the pay checks are too! I am loving jesus, and thats great also!! Jessica and I have been spending the majority of our time together because we work together and have the same friends at work...so we end up just going together to hangout after work then end up at each others houses after that! it's pretty kool... but the only thing missing is nicole! It's weird not seeing you nicy... i don't like it! but... I am going to head to bed... well not really! pray for me... I have a bible study tomorrow after work and I am speaking! never really done it before... so I am a little nervous and haven't even started to prepare! even though they asked me today if I would do it! oh well... God will be the one speaking anyways! I love you... and goodnight!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 03:05:30 GMT

so I went to the lake today for nicoles surprise birthday party... had an amazing time with great friends! The only thing that would have made it better was for one person to have shown up... but he had to work! It probably would have made it worse... but oh well! at least I was with all my friends that truely matter! except for Grady... and tori! I am so sad for them... I wish for my sake and theirs that they could have made it! yet again... oh well! I guess all good things must come to an end! except for Jesus... He is the only good thing that lasts!! I love Him for that!! well, I am gonna get on outta here! cya-bye... as Ben says. Which reminds me that he was actually at the lake with us, and it was amazing to hang out with him... I missed him a lot!! okay... now I am gone ~

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 04:55:58 GMT

so i am talking to a beautiful person online now... Zachery pointkowski! i love that man! I didn't realize how much i truely missed him until he came back and i realized he wasn't in my life for a little while! Work is going amazing! just got my check... $558!! I love overtime! we aren't supposed to have overtime... but i had 8 hours this check and 14 the last check! lol... and my friend had 22 hours this check! tehe... we cheat! i love it! I am finally starting to save my money now! and my dad is going to match whatever i save up! woot! so excited about college it's not funny! ready to meet new people... forget about some of the old... and get to where i want to be in my life... an emergency physician and married! lol... i have a long while for that though! but oh well... God is in control, and he is so incredible! It seems as though everyone in our group is struggling with life at the moment... sigh. I am so excited about tomorrow... hanging out with "the elite"... or at least a part of them! I miss everybody so much! i see a few people at work... but i miss kyle and zach... and nicole, and the rest of the group i don't see! jesse started a couple of days ago... so thats good! and evan elford is back home!!!!!!! i miss that kid so much! i think i am going to see him on wednesday before church with jesse! man i miss him... he was a little annoying... but regardless he had a huge impact on my life! I move into maryville on the 14... so i only have about 3 more weeks with everybody and then it's goodbye home town :( i am scared but excited! i am going to miss you guys SOOOO much! but we have to make a point to get together... NO MATTER WHAT!! well... I am gonna skidattle! i love you guys SOO much!!!!! :***

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 01:49:52 GMT

This broken heart is finally beginning to mend
Trying so hard not to let it bend
Thinking so much about how it needs to be
I feel that I am back to me
Yes i still cry
But God knows I try
So much time has passed
Sometimes I want "it" to last
Starting not to care
But regardless it's still hard to bare
Sometimes there's a fine line between love and hate
But I have left it up to fate
God is with me every step of the way
So this is all I have left to say
Be concious of the choices you make
I pray everyday for your sake
I love you you know
But for now I have to lay low
So I leave you with this final remark
Please don't keep me in the dark!

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 16:19:13 GMT

When there's something you really want in life,
fight for it...don't giveup,
no matter how hopeless it seems.
Even when you've lost all hope,
years from now you're gonna look back and
wish you gave it one more shot because
the best things in life don't come for free.